I find myself going throughout my days relying on myself. I need to bring peace to this situation. I need to stand righteous in my actions and thoughts before God. I have to have hope, I need to have hope because if I loose that I'll loose completely. I will be deflated and defeated. I strive for peace in all things, strive being the key word, because my life is in a constant state of chaos. How do i strive for peace you might wonder, and what does striving look like? I say to myself "If I just accomplish A, B, or C I'll have peace." I often think that peace comes in accomplishing tasks, doing the dishes, getting all the laundry done, making dinner and getting the kids to bed so I can have peace. It's at these times, after I've accomplished the task that I'm left standing alone wondering where in the heck that peace that I was striving for is.
Why is it that as women we constantly feel like everything needs to look like it's together in order to feel accomplished. We have friends coming over and what do we do, we clean like mad women and shove random things in random places while lighting candles and spraying fabreeze so that no one ever knows our secret... that people live here and we make messes. Shoot, I just want my kid to be wearing clean underwear and a fresh shirt when people stop by. We want to be real and raw with people, and we're constantly saying that we just want friend who know the real us and who let us know the deepest parts of them yet we're unwilling to sit in a semi or completely messy home while the kids run around and destroy more things! Ladies do you hear me!? Are we on the same wave length. If you can't show your mess in the physical sense how in the world are you ever going to let someone in on the real mess, you know, your gross, hasn't been cleaned in like a decade, heart?
It's amazing to me how soon this "hold it all together" stage starts in life. we start at such a young age putting on the "no, I got it" face. I'm currently watching my toddler try to put her flip flops on by herself, for the last 20 minutes mind you, refusing any help offered. Is this what I look like in life!? Seriously, do I look like a struggling toddler. I'm a hot mess y'all. But I know that I do, I know that people offer me help, not to be condescending or to subtly tell me I have no idea what I'm doing but because they are pass that struggle point in their life and they genuinely have the means to help me with the struggle.
These days you'll catch me singing all day long. Maybe it's because I find comfort in the gentle strokes of the piano keys and the carefully placed strums of the guitar, or maybe. and probably most accurately that, I find hope in pouring my soul out to my God through words of song. Standing in awe in the midst of a hurricane as He stands in charge of it and is unshaken. I want to be like that, standing unshaken in the midst of the hurricane.
When it comes to this lie, that I have to keep everything together, that I have to smile (not just grin, but actually smile) and bare it because that's the expectation, I fail. But when I throw myself a curve ball and remember that it's a lie I see that truth sets me free. When I make up my own "laws" or rules for what my life is supposed to look like I am a slave; a slave to myself, a slave to my tasks, and a slave to him who lies. Frequently, I have to remind myself what truth is; what is truth? Is the truth that I'm only as good as the things I check off on my to-do list. Is it that I'm only worth what other people value me at. Do I actually believe this is it, this is my best and I have nothing more to give, that I'm actually giving it all, every day? No, no to all of them. I am far better than anything on my check list, which is made by me, so technically I'm the one who is enslaving myself with that one. And I know where my value comes from because I am a daughter of the most high God. There is so much more to this than what I'm giving, so many more blessing to come, blessing not yet seen. Sure there are absolutely more trials as well, but God.
So yes I am breathing, I am holding it all together because He is holding me. I am failing from the outside but I am growing substantially on the inside and that's where I find my peace. I find peace when I quiet the voices and indulge in His. I find peace when I admit, verbally and openly, that I am a sinner, and a hypocrite and a toddler at times. Because when I'm not enslaved by lies I am set free through truth. And the truth is that God is who He is and I am who I am.
What truth are you seeking today, and what position are you trying to "hold together" instead of laying at His feet, broken and unashamed?
El Shaddai: Lord God Almighty
El Elyon: The Most High God
Adonai: Lord or Master
Yahweh: Lord Jehovah
Jehova Nissi: The Lord My Banner
Jehova Raah: The Lord My Shepard
Jehova Rapha: The Lord That Heals
Jehova Shammah: The Lord Is There
Jehova Tsidkenu: The Lord Our Righteousness
Jehova M'Kaddesh: The Lord Who Sanctifies You
El Olam: The Everlasting God
Elohim: God
Qanna: Jealous
Jehova Jireh: The Lord Will Provide
Jehova Shalom: The Lord Is Peace
Jehova Sabaoth: The Lord Of Hosts
Yahweh Shammah: The Lord Is There
El Roi: God Of Seeing
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