Hold It All Together

     Breathe. Just Breathe. I find myself saying that a lot lately. To my husband, to my toddler, to myself. I'm constantly having to remind all of us to do the one thing that is the most natural to us, breathe and be sustained by that breath. So just breathe.

     I find myself going throughout my days relying on myself. I need to bring peace to this situation. I need to stand righteous in my actions and thoughts before God. I have to have hope, I need to have hope because if I loose that I'll loose completely. I will be deflated and defeated. I strive for peace in all things, strive being the key word, because my life is in a constant state of chaos. How do i strive for peace you might wonder, and what does striving look like? I say to myself "If I just accomplish A, B, or C I'll have peace." I often think that peace comes in accomplishing tasks, doing the dishes, getting all the laundry done, making dinner and getting the kids to bed so I can have peace. It's at these times, after I've accomplished the task that I'm left standing alone wondering where in the heck that peace that I was striving for is. 

     Why is it that as women we constantly feel like everything needs to look like it's together in order to feel accomplished. We have friends coming over and what do we do, we clean like mad women and shove random things in random places while lighting candles and spraying fabreeze so that no one ever knows our secret... that people live here and we make messes. Shoot, I just want my kid to be wearing clean underwear and a fresh shirt when people stop by. We want to be real and raw with people, and we're constantly saying that we just want friend who know the real us and who let us know the deepest parts of them yet we're unwilling to sit in a semi or completely messy home while the kids run around and destroy more things! Ladies do you hear me!? Are we on the same wave length. If you can't show your mess in the physical sense how in the world are you ever going to let someone in on the real mess, you know, your gross, hasn't been cleaned in like a decade, heart?

     It's amazing to me how soon this "hold it all together" stage starts in life. we start at such a young age putting on the "no, I got it" face. I'm currently watching my toddler try to put her flip flops on by herself, for the last 20 minutes mind you, refusing any help offered. Is this what I look like in life!? Seriously, do I look like a struggling toddler. I'm a hot mess y'all. But I know that I do, I know that people offer me help, not to be condescending or to subtly tell me I have no idea what I'm doing but because they are pass that struggle point in their life and they genuinely have the means to help me with the struggle. 

     These days you'll catch me singing all day long. Maybe it's because I find comfort in the gentle strokes of the piano keys and the carefully placed strums of the guitar, or maybe. and probably most accurately that, I find hope in pouring my soul out to my God through words of song. Standing in awe in the midst of a hurricane as He stands in charge of it and is unshaken. I want to be like that, standing unshaken in the midst of the hurricane. 

     When it comes to this lie, that I have to keep everything together, that I have to smile (not just grin, but actually smile) and bare it because that's the expectation, I fail. But when I throw myself a curve ball and remember that it's a lie I see that truth sets me free. When I make up my own "laws" or rules for what my life is supposed to look like I am a slave; a slave to myself, a slave to my tasks, and a slave to him who lies. Frequently, I have to remind myself what truth is; what is truth? Is the truth that I'm only as good as the things I check off on my to-do list. Is it that I'm only worth what other people value me at. Do I actually believe this is it, this is my best and I have nothing more to give, that I'm actually giving it all, every day? No, no to all of them. I am far better than anything on my check list, which is made by me, so technically I'm the one who is enslaving myself with that one. And I know where my value comes from because I am a daughter of the most high God. There is so much more to this than what I'm giving, so many more blessing to come, blessing not yet seen. Sure there are absolutely more trials as well, but God. 

     So yes I am breathing, I am holding it all together because He is holding me. I am failing from the outside but I am growing substantially on the inside and that's where I find my peace. I find peace when I quiet the voices and indulge in His. I find peace when I admit, verbally and openly, that I am a sinner, and a hypocrite and a toddler at times. Because when I'm not enslaved by lies I am set free through truth. And the truth is that God is who He is and I am who I am.

     What truth are you seeking today, and what position are you trying to "hold together" instead of laying at His feet, broken and unashamed?

El Shaddai: Lord God Almighty

El Elyon: The Most High God

Adonai: Lord or Master

Yahweh: Lord Jehovah

Jehova Nissi: The Lord My Banner

Jehova Raah: The Lord My Shepard

Jehova Rapha: The Lord That Heals

Jehova Shammah: The Lord Is There

Jehova Tsidkenu: The Lord Our Righteousness

Jehova M'Kaddesh: The Lord Who Sanctifies You

El Olam: The Everlasting God

Elohim: God

Qanna: Jealous

Jehova Jireh: The Lord Will Provide

Jehova Shalom: The Lord Is Peace

Jehova Sabaoth: The Lord Of Hosts

Yahweh Shammah: The Lord Is There

El Roi: God Of Seeing

What's a Navy wife to do!

Welcome back! It's been a few seconds since I've updated the blog. And wow, the excitement that has happened in those few seconds is amazing! Where to start?! Well let's start with the beginning of a new chapter. On August 17, 2013 we were blessed with a beautiful healthy baby girl! What a blessing she has been for the last year and half! She was born after 26 grueling hours of labor, that'll teach me to "force" our babies to come before they're ready! She was a wonderful 6lbs 8oz and 20 inches long, she had hair (Praise God) and the most adorable little face. We have never been so proud of anything we've done before, the love that overwhelms you the first time you hold your child is unlike anything, no words have been written that describe it. She is as spunky as they come! The second day of her life in this big world she perfected the technique of scowling! Haha and she's been doing it every since.

This last year and half she has learned how to hold her head up, roll around, crawl around, walk around and most recently run around! She is most in love with her daddy and puppy, and currently loves books and dancing. She tells me "no" when she is in the middle of doing something naughty (beats me to the punch line every time) and refuses to go anywhere without her blankie, teddy and meeeilk. She's currently 24 lbs and she stands just under 3 ft. Here's some photos of our love:

 

What an amazing year it has been! But that's only half of it, turn the page again and we're off on our next adventure! The hubby joined the Navy in June 2014 and life will never be the same!

So far he has finished boot camp and is a couple weeks away from finishing his schooling! To say that we are proud of him would be a huge understatement. This man is resilient to the things life throws at him! What a great example he is to all who look at his life. So far life as a Navy wife has been pretty uneventful. We decided that with all the changes that would be happening it would be best to live minimally and for me to stay at home with Rhiley to help her whenever new things popped up. During boot camp life was pretty tough. I've never had to miss my husband before and honestly it was only for 8 1/2 weeks. I met a Marine wife the other day and she told me she went 13 weeks (I think) with out having communication with her husband except a few letters. No thanks. Call it what you want but I call it a blessing that I was able to hear from the Hubby so many times during that extemely trying time. And then when he finished boot camp and went to school we were going to stay in Colorado and just join up with him when he got his station duties. That lasted a whole month and a half! After an awful visit we decided it was time to re-unit the family.

The great thing about being obedient to God is that even when you look at something and say to yourself "There is no way we'll survive this" He is there pouring out His blessings and you come out with more than you went in with. On paper the numbers never matched up, how could we afford to move to a place and pay rent when I wouldn't be working, if we were barely making it now with me working and NOT paying rent?? Rest assured, you serve the maker of the world. He spoke loud and clear in this timeless passage:

 "Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him then they are?" - Matthew 6:26

To live out that promise every day is a comfort... and a challenge. Living where we live it's hard to build relationships. For anyone who knows me knows I am a relational person. I thrive when I am surrounded by people! I love to talk about anything and listen to everyone's stories.

The Most Unusual Mothers Day Gift

     It's that time of year again, you know, the time that we celebrate moms for who they are to us with mushy cards, flowers and a random display of gifts... and of course brunch! I never really appreciated Mothers Day before I was a mother myself. I used to get my mom cards that were sure to bring back memories of how much she loved me, hoping it would get her through another year of raising me, and take her to brunch, that she ended up paying for. Now, now I have this deep appreciation for this day. Why you might ask. Please get comfortable, let me walk you through the life of a mom!

Day 1...

     Oh the joy!! We're pregnant! We're having a baby! I can't believe it, no really I can't believe it, we're still so young, and we wanted to do so much before we started having children. Oh well! I guess I better get my life in order, but I swear I won't be one of "those" moms. The ones who wear yoga pants all the time, who drink coffee, but not just any coffee, Starbucks coffee while shopping at Target. I won't let my kids talk back to me, like ever, and they'll never be mean or say hurtful things to anyone. I'll raise them to say please and thank you because the kids who don't are monsters! I swear I'll still want to have sex with my husband ALL. THE. TIME. and I'll never tell him I'm too tired or smell like baby spit up when he leans in to kiss me, heaven forbid I have left over breakfast stuck in my hair. I'm going to be the perfect mom, and no one can convince me otherwise. 

Day 480...

     Please eat the oatmeal. Look it's a plane Brrrrr Brrrr Brrrr.... open your mouth, mommy loves you. For Gods sake kid, please open you mou... yes, thank you, I always wanted to know what half eaten and mostly regurgitated baby cereal tastes like. Awesome. And now I'll go wipe of my yoga pants for the 17th time today, I should probably wash them, but seriously whats the point. And I know I own 6 other pairs, but these are my favorite and who am I kidding, I'm definitely not going to wash AND dry them today. When was the last time I took a shower? I should probably take a shower, I'll take one when the baby goes down for a nap. Nap time, maybe I'll just close my eyes for a second... babies up, well I guess I'm not taking a shower again today.



Day 620...

     Yay you're walking! I can't believe it, you're amazing. Wow, this is great! Please don't touch that or that, you know what let's just go somewhere else. Never mind, this is worse, lets go back over here. Oh God, watch your head! Ahhh, yep saw that one coming. It's ok sweetie, you're ok. Mommy will kiss it better. Please honey, can mommy please have some privacy, I just want to go pee.... you know, alone, without your little hands clinging to my pants trying to figure out what i'm doing. I wish it was tolerable for mom's to have tantrums because I would straight throw a tantrum right now.  No you can not play with those! Those are not for babies, those are for mommies. Great now you're throwing a tantrum. There's more irony where that came from. Where's my coffee. 



Day 730...

     Oh God, it can't be that time. I'm not ready to wake up. Here sweetie, mommy's going to put Doc McStuffins on for you and I'm just going to rest a little bit longer, but only one episode OK. 3 episodes later, I should probably make this small human some food before her daddy comes home for lunch. Hot dogs, no we had those yesterday. Oh I'll make her something healthy, like sweet potatoes and broccoli, she'll love that, maybe I'll bake some chicken, because you know, fried is bad for you. *Searches through fridge* ugh I hate cooking, why did I go to culinary school and waste all that money. But the food was so good, and all that extra student loan money paid for some nice dinners. I miss date night, when are we going to have another one. Probably never. But that food sure was good, food, right! What to make, what to make.... screw it. Lets get in the car, we're having Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Where are your shoes?! Never mind, socks will work, you can't have shoes in the play place anyways. Wait where are your socks now, barefoot it is. 



Day 731...

     Honey.... I need you to run to the store and get a few more tests, I think this one is broken. No not the expensive kind, go to the dollar store, they work the same!

Day 800...

     Please God, please sustain me. I can't do this. I can barely keep one human alive, two is one too many. I think I'm going to be sick, yep definitely going to be sick. Why!? Why do you need to start potty training while I'm pregnant. I really hate changing your diaper but I need the toilette to be available at all times, and no I don't want to be using the potty at the same time as you. Thank you for peeing on the floor, that's exactly what I was thinking would be the best alternative to keeping the potty open for mommy... not. I can do this. I have a great idea! Lets get a puppy!

 

Day 1000...

     Wow, we have two beautiful little girls. Girls are the best, they're so sweet and love to give hugs and kisses. I can't wait for big sis to come to the hospital and meet her new little sis. They're going to be best friends. This is perfect. This is what life is supposed to look like, the four of us. I can't imagine it being any other way. Look sweetie, this is your baby sister, you're going to be the best big sister ever!



Night 1000...

     Honey you can't shove stuffed animals in your sisters face, she can't breath when you do that and mommy doesn't feel like explaining why the new baby isn't alive anymore. Please stop pulling her arm that way! No, you can't have any of sisters milk, you're a big girl, sister is a baby. Aw thank you, I love your kisses, you're the best. I love you, BABE help please! STOP PULLING ON YOUR SISTER! Great now I woke the baby up. Well this is fun.

   
  

     Guys, motherhood is beautiful and frustrating, you feel like you're succeeding and failing all at the same time. You feel guilt over everything, every little thing makes you feel guilty. Should I force my child to eat or just go with the flow? Should I make sure they have a set nap time and bed time schedule or should I just go with the flow? I really need to get better at teaching them bible verses, and the alphabet, and colors, and please and thank you, and everything else. How much is therapy? Should I start saving for theirs now or should I think about college first? Can we even afford to save money? 

     You get all the joy from seeing them grow and then you get the experience to help walk other moms through the challenges that come with growth. For every thing they learn to do they also become more curious, and if Curious George taught me anything it's that a mess always follows curiosity. You can't wait for them to crawl, but then you're vacuuming 90x a day and constantly wiping hands with baby wipes. You are ecstatic when they walk, but stairs. You love potty training except all the accidents and cleaning dirty under ware for 4 months straight. And when they start talking it's like the heavens open up, but then they learn what questions are, and how to repeat everything you say. They pick up on your sass and attitude, they even pick up on your catch phrases that you say all the time. People start to think you abuse your child because of the stories their minds come up with. Suddenly a trip to time out turns into an actual beating where they ended up in the ER and are now dying. 

     Laundry is on hold all the time. Dishes pile up in the sink. Your prestigious house is no where to be found. You can't remember the last time you slept through the night, because once the baby starts to the older one is waking up with bad dreams. You've become an expert at understanding gibberish and words through tears. You and your husband have created a new language where you have a conversation based on looks and heavy sighs. People think you're a flake because every time you make plans the kids plot against you and one or all of them get some illness. Going out takes extreme amounts of work so you end up ordering take out and watching a movie on a couch stuffed with fruit snacks, princess accessories and unidentified items. You're exhausted.

     Naturally, mothers day comes around and people assume you want out. You want time away, time to yourself. You don't want to hear fighting or whining for an entire day. You want to eat a meal while it's still hot. A spa day, that's what we need, something to get us going again. But is it? Will that get us through the inevitable tears that will welcome us once we return home because we weren't there to tuck them in or kiss their boo boos? Do I really want to miss that, do I want to miss a bed time, the things that make me a mom so that I can celebrate being a mom? That sounds odd to me. What I want this mothers day doesn't come in escaping. Doesn't come in expensive gifts. What I want this mothers day comes from inside... inside of me. 

     So here it is, the most unusual mothers day gift. This year for mothers day, I want nothing more than

Self Control and Contentment

     Yes, this mothers day, when my toddler comes in to wake me up (most likely crying because that's how she rolls these days) I don't want to start my day with exasperation, with a heavy sigh that I get to live this life. I want to wake up smiling, smiling because I have a little life that comes to me first thing in the morning to greet me and to be greeted. When I have to try not to pee my pants while I'm singing her twinkle twinkle and wheels on the bus so she can use the bathroom I want to be thankful. Thankful that I have a child who loves me being a part of her life every chance she gets. When I go to get the baby out of the crib, I'll be joyful because I have not only one blessing, but two! Two beautiful, wonderful blessings. And when that first melt down happens as we're running late for church and I still haven't eaten, I want to give myself the gift of self control. I don't want to yell, at all, not this mothers day. I choose to deposit positive attitudes into my families bank. My present this year won't come from my husband or my children, although I will love and cherish that mushy card and most likely hand drawn "picture" the same as my mom did from me, but instead my mothers day gift this year will be from me to me, and to my family to thank them for making me a mom to be celebrated. 

     I will not retreat away from those I love but I will find contentment in the day to day grind and the exhaustion and the chaos. I love this calling, and gift that God has given me, I refuse to treat it like a burden I need to be relieved of. 

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate" -Psalms 127:3-5

Happy mothers day!